Butterflies

Everything changes.

From the seasons, to the weather, the world around us is in a constant state of change. I doubt it will surprise any young couple to find out that marriage changes too! Change doesn’t occur only because of children, but they definitely rock our world enough to cause some adjustments in our life and relationships.

Through the past six years of parenting (and seven of marriage), I have often found myself surprised by our relationship. We have weathered a lot of seasons in a short amount of time, and I think that through those years and pressures of changing diapers, late nights, ER visits, financial loss, etc, there was a metamorphosis that took place between us.

Thinking back to our early friendship, I so clearly remember the little heart flutters. I recall the rush of excitement to see his name pop up on my phone. The thrill of getting to see him was like a mini roller coaster for my heart. I think about all of that now and wonder where all that excitement went. As I look for the return of those butterflies, I trace the path from who we were to who we are now. I didn’t marry my children’s father. I married a man without debt, without a mortgage, with lots of free time, and only dreams of children. I married a man who didn’t have to deal with putting away toiletries and making his bed. He didn’t change diapers daily, go some nights without sleep, or ever have to think about carpool.

My husband didn’t marry a working mom of four. He didn’t marry someone struggling with their weight after having all of those children in four and half years. He didn’t marry a woman who rarely slept, rarely saw her friends, or rarely finished a book. We are not who we once were. At one point, we could go on a date without a second thought. Now, we are either too tired to have an “at-home date night” once the kids go down or can’t find a babysitter to take one away. Our life revolves around children’s church, sports, and school. We plan our work days around our children and rarely have enough time or energy to add intentional time with one another.

In this crazy season of parenting, however, I don’t think that all is lost. Maybe I don’t need to look for the return of the butterflies. Maybe the years of pressures and changing seasons enwrapped us in such a way that we came out a better kind of different. Maybe I shouldn’t look for what once was but instead look at what is. I may not feel an innocent thrill when I see his name on my phone anymore, but I feel a relief in my core when I pick up my phone to call the one person who knows me and my children well enough to aid in whatever the emergency. I don’t get a rush of excitement when he walks unexpectedly through the door anymore, but I feel a sense of security when I know my husband and the father of my children is finally home for the day. We are still adapting to the changes, and I venture to guess that more will come, but we are changing into something different and hopefully better too.